Apparently I started writing this two years ago when I was drunk and passed out halfway before finishing. Anyway. I finished it.

I just read this really stupid article on another website titled “The 10 most foolish things you don’t want to do in your 20s.” In the first sentence the author admits to being only 24 years old.

While I only skimmed through the rest of the article, the subheads included “Don’t try to be someone you’re not” and “Not stressing over things you can’t change” and “Not being open to love.”

Horseshit. Pretty sure we ran the same article in our high school newspaper, the legendary Tiger Hi-Line, only we titled the article “10 stupid things freshman write in their journal.”

I clicked on the article because it led with a picture of a man and a small child and I thought it was going to say something like “for fuck’s sake don’t have kids.”

Which is what I’m going write right here.

#1 Stupid shit you shouldn’t do in your 20s: For fuck’s sake don’t have kids.

I’m 35 (now 37), married, and don’t have kids (I now have a kid). You know what I did in the last 15 years? Took a Greyhound to Times Square for Y2K (technically 16 years ago). Worked as a mountain ranger in New Mexico. Partied with Cee-Lo Green (now no longer relevant). Traveled to Spain. Moved to Tokyo.

Know what my friends with kids did? I don’t know. I haven’t seen them in 15 years. They disappeared.

#2 Stupid shit you shouldn’t do in your 20s: Get tied down to a job you’re not passionate about.

#3: Buy a fucking house.
That mortgage doesn’t go away. Ever.

#4: Ignore your parents’ advice.
Okay fine. I still do that well into my 30s.

#5: Get addicted to drugs.
Self control. It’s what adults do.

#6: Take your youth for advantage.
You’re going to get fat and old. Be adventurous and sporty while your body can handle it.

#7 Lose touch with family and dear friends.
An anthropologist recently said at any given time we have 4-5 close friends we can rely on in times of trouble. Relationships take work. Do the work.

#8: Mismanage your credit card debt.
We all have debt. Stay on top of it.

#9: Burn bridges.
That asshole on your project team who never shows up on time and openly mocks your work? You could be asking him for a job one day. (Okay, that was me. I’m the asshole.)

#10: Plastic surgery or visible tattoos.
You’ll never be as cool or as hot as you were when you were 22. Save some nonsense for your mid-life crisis.