What girls want

The perfect woman

The perfect woman

Back in 2004, after Lisa and I had been dating for about a year, she took me a party for the University of Iowa Japanese Club. There were about 25-30 Japanese exchange students and a handful of Americans.

American members of the Japan Club come in one form: dorky. It was a tad embarrassing to be lumped in with this group. You don’t know how many times I get asked “do you watch anime?” or “are you into gaming?”

No and no.

After the party, one of Lisa’s friends Cubby gave us a ride home along with one of the American dudes. This American guy was your typical Japanophile. He wore a ratty black T-shirt, his hair was unkempt and his chubby face was flushed and pockmarked. He smelled like the Ember’s dishroom.

The guy was shitfaced and melancholy. Shockingly, he was single, and lamenting about his inability to get a girl.

Finally, he asked me, “How do you get a Japanese girlfriend?”

My reply: “The same way you get an American girlfriend, dipshit.”

Okay, I didn’t say that last word.

But there is this great myth surrounding Japanese women. They are meek. They are eternally buoyant and compliant. The conception is that they are doormats for men, and if you can club one over the head she will please your every whim ’til the day you die.

This is what happens when you watch anime.

This is what happens when you watch anime.

This myth is propagated in pop culture and anime, but is nowhere close to reality. The problem is that these dweebs only perception of reality is cultivated through goddamn cartoons. If your only interaction with American culture is through Disney movies, your perception of American women would be a bit off-base as well.

The second problem is that when these nerds actually meet a Japanese girl, they seem so polite and submissive because they can’t speak a lick English. All they can do is smile and nod. The Japanese people I meet over here in Tokyo think I am the nicest son-of-a-bitch they ever met. That’s because I can’t share my true thoughts and feelings in their language. All I can do is say “please” and “thank you” and “beer.”

Those phrases can accomplish many things, but it also brands you as a kittens and daisies ninny.

Granted, Japanese culture does have a ways to go to promote equal rights for women. The ideal woman, as depicted on talk shows and beer commercials, is a stay at home mom who cooks and cleans for her husband. And there are women like that who do exist, but it’s probably only slightly higher than the ratio in America.

And do you know who those women are married to? Husbands who work their asses off and make a buttload of money. So if you are a geeky American coming to Japan to find a wife who will service your every need while you try to make it as a professional Magic player, you best buy yourself a paddle cuz you are gonna be stranded up shit creek.

Sure, there are some girls that are into cosplay and dressing up like anime characters, but still, they aren't going to talk to you.

Sure, there are some girls that are into cosplay and dressing up like anime characters, but still, they aren’t going to talk to you.

From my limited experience, I would group the foreign men in Japan into two categories: the aforementioned twerps who come to Japan pursuing their glorified mate, or slacker dudes who followed a Japanese girl here.

The poindexters in the first group are insufferable. They spend their daytime hours studying kanji and reading comic books in Akihabara. They spend their nights playing video games and watching Dragon Ballz or whatever anime titles there are. They listen to AKB48 and on the weekend they spend all of their money at hostess clubs.

Hostess clubs are this: you sit at a table and pay 1000 yen ($12) on a watered down drink and then you pay the same amount for your waitress to sit down and have a drink with you. That is it. They sit down and are nice to you until their drink is empty. And usually, they are a Chinese or Korean immigrant so they can’t speak English or Japanese.

Sounds like a great use of money. I would rather buy three 16 oz. cans of 8% Strong Zero chu-hi.

This shit will mess you up.

This shit will mess you up.

Meanwhile, the second group, and I include myself in this one, hang out at the bus stops drinking 16 oz. cans of 8% Strong Zero chu-hi until our wives or girlfriends send us a text that they are on their way home from work. Then we hurry home to make the bed and wash the dishes in an effort to make it appear as if we were indeed productive today.

Now, I am far away from being an expert on women, but I have stumbled into a relationship or two in my day. Generally, girls are looking for a guy with some basic hygiene, manners and job prospects. Somebody they can mold into a respectable human being.

So if you aren’t at least showering on a regular basis, don’t bemoan to me the fact that you haven’t touched a girl since your neighbor Julie danced with you at the church youth group social.

And quit watching anime. Japanese girls don’t watch anime. Know what me and my Japanese wife watched last weekend? Mad Men. Like a normal couple.

"No, I heard what you said, I'm just trying to decide if I am going to let it slide."

“No, I heard what you said, I’m just trying to decide if I am going to ream you a new asshole now or later.”

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