Marriage lesson #1: Do not schedule your wedding photos for the day after Thanksgiving. Unless you want your double chin to dominate the proofs.
Before we got married, I lost six pounds. Since I got married, I gained seven. In my defense, we did get married two days before Thanksgiving.
Marriage lesson #2: Do not mix champagne and red daquiries. That is, unless you want to spend your wedding night “sleeping” on the floor.
Lisa tried to sleep on the floor next to me, because she didn’t want to spend her wedding night alone in bed. But after about five minutes she decided I wasn’t worth it.
Marriage lesson #3: When Japanese businessmen ask you what you are going to do for a career, do not answer, “I think I am going to write a play about internet porn.”
That’s pretty self explanatory.
Marriage lesson #4: If your wife is not feeling well, not a good idea to ditch her for trivia night at the Brown Street Pub. This lesson fits for several scenarios, such as, “don’t go play disc golf when your wife is sick,” “don’t go to the Stiff Whiskey concert when your wife is sick,” and “don’t spend all night dicking around on facebook when your wife is sick.”
Marriage lesson #5: Is not good enough to put your clothes in the laundry machine. Apparently husbands are expected to also start the laundry machine when it is full.
I swear, there are new rules every day.
Such as, when there is less than one glass of tea left in the tea pitcher, finish it and make new tea. Don’t just leave half a glass of tea in the fridge and expect the tea to magically make itself.
Marriage lesson #6: When friends invite you out for Friday night, you are also supposed to invite your wife.
Especially if she just completed her last final exam.
Marriage lesson #7: Leftover chicken wings doesn’t constitute a full meal.
Marriage lesson #8: I’m not allowed to put my feet on the coffee table, but she is. Apparently my slippers are dirty and bully with germs, but her socks are totally sterile.
I swear, there is a new rule every day.
Marriage lesson #9: When filling out Thank You cards, I am also expected to write a note. I just can’t sign my name to what she has already written.
“But they’re your friends, not mine,” is not a valid excuse. They are now “our” friends, even if they are total business school tools.
Marriage lesson #10: Let’s see, gotta come up with a 10th lesson to make this list even. Don’t be a dick. There. That’s a good lesson for all of us.