30 Lessons, part 2

I have begun convalescing a list of 30 random thoughts and insights about Philadelphia. Here is part 1. This is part 2.

16) Based on a survey of one, Philadelphia has the country’s largest population of butterfaces. As in, “She has a smokin’ hot bod, butterface.”

* sidenote: I just spent 30 minutes searching for “butterface” on YouTube. It was horror. I won’t waste your time with any links.

17) These Philadelphia girls are friendly. I haven’t had a random girl on the street smile at me since college, and that was 7 years and 30 pounds ago.

18) The reason they smile at me is there is a total lack of dudes in this town. There are a bunch of homely looking guys walking around this town. Otherwise they’re all married.

19) There are no black people in my neighborhood except the guys who work the front door or install cable. It is like there is an invisible force field around Rittenhouse Square that only allows whites or Asians. They are working on an upgrade to disallow poor people. Until they find the technology, I can stay.

20) Pretty sure the force field ends at 13th Street.

21) The black people are the nicest folks in Philadelphia. In Iowa, I am used to nodding and waving at complete strangers. In Philadelphia, if I make eye contact with a stranger on the street, they look at me like I have a bulbous green boogie tickling my upper lip. However, the black guys nod and smile.

22) Don’t trust anybody in Philly. The apartment of one of Lisa’s classmates was robbed over Thanksgiving. She returned from her home in Wyoming to find all of her electronics and jewelry missing. The robbers were professional, and didn’t disturb the lock on the door. They also knew she was gone for a while, because they apparently stayed in her bed. Do not tell anybody anything.

23) I’m not too worried about being mugged because I am poor (and a fifth-degree black belt in badassery). I do worry about Lisa.

24) Philadelphians are fashionable. And they all wear scarves.

25) People here aren’t impressed when you drop names. In Iowa, I drop names like they were fresh from the oven. And back home people are impressed. People get excited that I know Mike Mosley, even though his biggest hit was playing the fifth character on the ninth season of Scrubs (you know, the season no one watched). Well, out here, I try to tell people I met Scratch from the Roots, and they’re like, “whatever, I went to grammar school with Questlove.”

26) Nobody here loves Boys II Men as much as I do.

27) Every day there is some famous dignitary giving a speech or presentation. Architect Frank Gehry was at the art museum, Salman Rushdie was at the library and Dr. J was at the demolition of the Spectrum. Ben Folds was at the Electric Factory.

28) The Philadelphia Real World House is now an art gallery and you can use the same bathroom as Shavonda.

29) They have this meat substance called scrapple, which is maybe most closely related to Spam. According to wikipedia, “Scrapple, also known by the Pennsylvania Dutch name pon haus, is traditionally a mush of pork scraps and trimmings combined with cornmeal and flour, often buckwheat flour, and spices. The mush is formed into a semi-solid congealed loaf, and slices of the scrapple are then panfried before serving.” It is a Philadelphia delicacy and I have yet to try it. I will be sure to let you know when I do.

30) Philadelphians are whiny. They complain about the cold, but it’s 40 degrees in December. They bitch that the baseball team sucks, but they made the playoffs, won the World Series two years ago and have freakin’ Roy Halladay. Philadelphia isn’t the City of Brotherly Love, it’s the city of Brotherly Griping.

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